Twice As Much Tomorrow
by Manigault
Summary: GSR. Post 8 x 7. Sara is chasing ghosts while coming to know some of them. Grissom waits for her return, mostly patiently, but then he's Grissom.
1. Chapter 1

**Twice as Much Tomorrow**

By: Manigault

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to CBS. BTW I support the WGA all the way!

Spoilers: Hmmm, if there is anyone online that doesn't know that Sara's left then okay these are possible spoilers. It pains me but the dogs name is canon now and it's Hank, but for all intents and purposes I can't go there so it's Bruno in this story. Writing things like _Hank would miss Sara _makes me shudder, so, no.

Note: This isn't a song fic but I was listening to some old music, seventies, particulary _More Than I Can Say _by Leo Sayer and it made me think of our duo. This isn't a song fic, but the title was inspired by that song.

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**Las Vegas, November 2007**

The lights on the strip blurred as Sara used the back of her hand to swipe at the tears as they spilled over her lids to race along her cheeks. She didn't want to leave Grissom, not now when they were newly married and not ever as they had come such a long way in the past two years. But, and she felt this in the deepest recesses of her being, she needed to be alone to face her fears.

It had been building inside of her for years, this intense pressure that had, if she was honest with herself, begun in her earliest childhood memory. Screaming. Hard slaps across the face for no identifiable reason.

In the weeks following her rescue from the desert she'd stared at her casted left arm in wonder. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't place why it felt so comfortable, this weight of the cast that prevented normal activities like straightening her curly hair or wrapping both arms around Grissom's sturdy body. Then one day it hit her and hit hard, like one of those slaps across her cheeks that she'd received as a child on more than one occasion. Home. It felt familiar and reminded her of the home she'd known as a little girl and those frequent trips to emergency rooms.

Her childhood had consisted of an alcoholic verbally and physically abusive dad, a fearful battered wife and an older brother who tried his best to avoid everyone. Staring at her cast she drifted back to a cold rainy night when she'd actually experienced some happiness that didn't involve losing herself within the pages of a book. Stephen, her older brother by seven years, loved to read mechanic magazines. Wanting to impress him, a nine year old Sara had dutifully read it from front to back hoping to earn his approval and only needing the right time to exhibit her knowledge of all things cars.

_Stephen tossed a crumbled beer can onto the ground and muttered a few profanities at his hunk of metal car that was acting up once again. Tentatively holding onto her courage Sara stepped across the yard and approached him with a nervous smile. Although Stephen wasn't like their dad in physically abusing her, there was a tendency for him to verbally throw insults at her if she got in his way, especially after she'd accidently given away his stash of pot. _

_"Hey, Stephen." Sara wrapped her arms around her middle and tried not to sound so unsure of herself. It was important that he knew that she wanted to help him; that she could help him. _

_"Go away, Sara." _

_"I'd like to help you fix your car." Sara stated with burst of courage that she wasn't feeling. "I know all about engines and carborators. I know what makes a car run and how different models require special attention." _

_She had drawn his attention for the first time since she could remember as he gave her a look of astonishment and then he laughed. It wasn't a harsh laugh, but a gentle one that was full of pleasant surprise. _

_"If you think you can help, then hand me that wrench." _

_He waited, certain that she wouldn't know what to pick up and again surprised when she quickly retrieved the correct tool. _

_"I'm not stupid." Sara said with a touch of irritation. Stephen stared at ther for a full minute before giving her a beautiful smile. It was the only one she'd ever received from him and the last time she'd see him smile for anyone. _

_They spent the evening working together, Sara thrilled by his attention and Stephen making a silent promise that he'd teach her everything he knew about cars. Neither one cared when it began to drizzle and the night grew chilly. It grew colder still when John Sidle screeched into the driveway, his truck weaving as it made it's way up to the house where he stumbled from the interior, his rage high as he spied his offspring bent over that pieced of junk Stephen had hauled home a few weeks before._

_"What is she doing out here?" John pointed a shaking finger towards the cowering child who pressed back against the car and tried desperately to look anywhere but at the furious man stalking in her direction. _

_"She's helping me." Tension filled the night as Stephen quietly stepped around the car and purposefully put himself between Sara and their drunken dad. "She's helping me work on my car."_

_"I told you that I don't want that piece of shit out here Stephen." _

_Sara couldn't help but wonder if he meant her or the car, but wisely kept her sarcasm to herself. Stephen didn't. _

_"What's a piece of shit?"_

_"You talking back to me?" John rushed suddenly towards the teenager, his large body ramming into him and driving him back against the car with a loud thud that crushed Sara between the car and himself. _

_A cry escaped Sara's lips and she bit back the sobs immediately. Crying only infuriated John Sidle. The commotion had drawn the attention of Laura Sidle who ran from the porch with the intention of going to Sara who was clutching her left arm in pain. _

_"I'm sorry, Sara." Stephen picked himself up from the ground where he'd been thrown after smashing against his sister and the car, his regret sincere as he reached out towards her only to be shoved once again as John came after him again. _

_"Leave him alone." Laura screamed at the stalking man only to have the anger turned onto herself. Sinking to the ground, Sara watched in horror as another fight ensued and she vowed that she'd be more careful next time. She'd be more careful._

**Las Vegas, October 2007**

Reality had come crashing inside her mind late one night as she tossed and turned in bed and found herself reaching out for the security of Grissom's arms. Gasping for breath she sat up and took a few minutes to get her bearings as she shifted through the muddled memory of her nightmare to the here and now and the fact that Grissom was working and she was alone. Well, not completely alone, she thought with a wry smile. Whistling for Bruno, she let the air escape her lips as the Boxer leapt onto the bed and nuzzled her chin with his cold wet nose. Hugging him to her for a brief minute she realized with a frown that since spending all of her nights with Gil Grissom she had forgotten that she was an insominac.

"Gil is my security blanket." She told Bruno with astonishment. Leaning her forehead on the dogs solid forehead she bit back on the sob that gripped her as panic threatened to bring her happiness crashing to a terrifying halt. Reaching over Bruno's head she scrambled for her cell phone and stared at the device that would link her to the man who could keep the darkness at bay. She dialed his number and then hit stop. She couldn't go seeking him out every time she felt panic rising in her throat. Since moving to shift it had become common practice for her to appear at one of his crime scenes just to see him. The team expected her to show up and never ribbed her or gave her a hard time.

"I have become one of those women who need to be with their man all the time, Bruno."

"What's wrong with that?" A deep voice startled her out of her reverie and she shook her head at the absurd notion that Bruno had responded to her statement and with a voice shockingly familiar.

Turning on the bed to face the object of her thoughts, Sara's lips trembled slightly as she confessed.

"I depend on you too much, Gil."

The words were said with such sadness and self loathing he didn't know how to respond at first. A lump formed in his throat constricting it with the certainty that something was seriously going on inside of Sara's heart and mind that he couldn't fathom, a something that she was unable to define. The feel of dread had been building for several days as he'd caught a sadness floating around her when she thought he wasn't looking. He'd catch her eye and she would smile that beautiful smile that could melt away his fears and he'd convince himself that it was his over active imagination.

"This last case really shook you," he said when the silence filled the room. Never mind the fact that she had been abducted and left for dead in the desert with a fractured arm and no food or water. He didn't want to dwell on the fact that he'd almost lost her, because he didn't. She was alive and breathing. She was here in his home, his bed. They were husband and wife. He walked slowly to the bed until he was standing beside her and could take her chin in the palm of his hand and gaze into her eyes as she looked up at him with expectations that he couldn't decipher.

"It was more than this case, Gil, we both know that. It wasn't simply the fact that Hannah screwed with my mind again. She's only the tip of the problem and I'm not sure how to get to the heart of the issue." Pulling away from him slightly, Sara stared down at the ring on her finger and slowly twisted it from side to side as she refused to meet his questioning look.

"You regret marrying me?" asked Grissom, his eyes focused on the movements of her hands.

"Regret? No!" Sara turned to him and reached for his hands to pull him down to her lips in a move so quick it made him catch his breath as he lost his footing and tumbled gently onto the bed taking her with him until he was lying half on top of her and half on his side. The move caused Bruno to scramble from the bed with an indignate expression as he studied his two people making out on the bed. With a huff he turned and left the room in search of his food dish.

Sara had trailed kisses along Grissoms neck and spent the next few hours convincing him that she was thrilled to be Gilbert Grissom's wife, lover and best friend. That was not so hard to do as she knew it was the truth. What she didn't know was how to make him understand there was a difference in loving him completely and loving herself. This was the reason she'd come to the conclusion that she needed to leave Vegas for a time and dissolve the fears that had been trailing her for too many years.

**Las Vegas, November 2007**

The cab pulled to a stop outside of the airport terminal and the driver turned expectant eyes on his passenger who payed him without speaking as she then pushed open the door and slid out to stand on the curb. Wiping away the warm tears that continued to spill over her cheeks, Sara was certain that she must look a mess. She didn't care though as she took the bag the driver had retrieved from the trunk of the car and turned back to the airport entrance. With a deep intake of breath she squared her shoulders and moved forward with a set determination to resolve her issues.

Grissom pulled the door to his office shut and closed the blinds, the letter Sara had left him clutched in his hands as he read her words for the umpteenth time and memorized every comma and period that she had placed on the paper. Some words were blurred but he knew which ones were smudges that were from tears that had dropped on the ink as Sara had written her attempted explanation and those that ran together because of the tears that had built up behind his own lids.

Space. That was something that he could give her and it was the one thing that he certainly knew all about. Lonlieness was something entirely different. Grissom spread the letter out on the desk in front of him and reached into his pocket to pull out his cell phone, spurred by the sudden desire to hear her voice. His phone didn't have time to run through the number before he was hitting the end button and tossing it onto his desk.

His thoughts turned to Bruno and he realized with a sudden purpose that there _was _a reason for him to leave the lab. Feed their dog. Walk their dog. Bruno didn't require deep conversations and he wouldn't have to endure pitying looks from him or answer questions as to why and where Sara had gone and when would she return. Bruno would miss Sara, but there wouldn't be questions. It was with this in mind that he grabbed his coat off the back of his chair and made for a quick exit.

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

**Twice As Much Tomorrow**

By: Manigault

Note: Sure, Sara is a bit OOC in my book, but then, this whole thing is OOC in my view.

**Thanks: Thank you to everyone who is reading this and for those who left reviews. It's very much! **

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**Las Vegas, November 2007**

Grissom pushed the front door open and was met with a pair of big sad eyes as Bruno pushed past, looking around him before trotting back inside and laying down, resting his head on his paws as he looked back up at Grissom and then away.

"Not you too, Bruno." Grissom sighed loudly and bent down to pat his dog gently on the head. "She's going to come home." Whomever said that dogs were not intuitive had obviously never been around one. It was obvious that Bruno had picked up on the fact that Sara was no longer in Vegas. It wasn't the first time Bruno had exhibited such strong emotions when it came to Sara. When Sara had been missing at the hands of the seriel killer Grissom had asked Nick to check on him and make sure he had plenty of food and water. Nick had returned with a sober expression and informed Grissom that his dog was worried. Grissom had tilted his head and given him a slight nod, only partly registering what Nick was telling him. When Sara had returned safely home Bruno would not leave her side for days and only ate when she encouraged him to do so.

"Sara should have taken you with her, pal, but she would insist that this was your home and you would be fine." Grissom walked into the kitchen and found Bruno's dish was untouched. "You need to eat, Bruno." Grissom opened the refrigerator door and stared inside. Sara had gone shopping before she left as he found that every shelf was stuffed with a variety of food. He closed the door and turned towards the counter where Sara always kept a bowl of fruit. She had left a note on the counter top beside the fruit bowl that explained that she'd left some containers of food in the freezer so that he wouldn't need to cook for several days.

She'd been busy, Grissom mused as he picked up an apple and left the kitchen to retrieve Bruno's leash in order to encourage the Boxer to go for a walk with him. Bruno was still in the same spot, his eyes following Grissom's movements with that heavy sadness.

"We'll get some fresh air, pal. Let's go outside." Grissom fastened the leash on Bruno's collar and took a step towards the door. With a heavy rumbling sigh Bruno flopped over onto his side and closed his eyes. Staring at his depressed dog Grissom decided not to push the issue. He removed the leash and returned it to the table by the front door before shuffling over to the sofa, having no desire to go inside his and Sara's bedroom. He wasn't ready to sleep alone in their bed and he wasn't prepared to face the memories of their last intimate encounter.

Picking up a remote control Grissom hit a button that released a beautiful mix of classical music that never failed to ease his mind. He would lose himself in the melodious tunes and dream about Sara finding what she needed in order to return home to him and Bruno.

It didn't take long before he drifted into a restless sleep, unaware that Bruno had moved over to the sofa to lick his hand that dangled over the edge before settling down between the sofa and the coffee table.

**San Francisco, November 2007**

If someone had asked her how she made it from the airport to a hotel and safely inside a room, she couldn't have begun to tell them. She sat on the edge of the bed and wondered how Bruno was handling her absence. He was such a senstive dog and it killed her to leave him behind almost as much as it killed her to leave Grissom behind.

"It's only for a short time." Sara reassured herself as the ripples of longing and regret washed over her and she found her shoulders shaking. She wondered for the hundredth time if she'd made a horrible mistake. Was there anything that she could learn about herself in San Francisco that she couldn't have figured out back in Vegas? In Vegas she had Grissom who was by far the best friend that she'd ever known and the one person that could accept all of her deepest secrets and love her despite her own weaknesses.

Picking up her phone she pushed a number and waited for the connection that would give her some little bit of peace. She hoped it would give her some reassurance at the least.

"Jim? It's Sara."

"Hi there Mrs. Grissom, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

Sara smiled at the mention of her married name before explaining her concerns to Brass and then waiting for his response.

"I heard that you were taking a break for awhile, Sara, and between us I think it's a good idea." He didn't bother to remind her of their last encounter and how snappy she was with him.

"However," Sara prompted at the hesitation she detected in Brass's tone.

She heard Jim clear his throat and could almost hear the wheels turning in his mind before he spoke. "I want you to know that all you have to do is pick up a phone and I'll be there if you need me."

"Thanks, Jim." Sara wasn't sure why she pressed the issue, but she felt compelled. "Do you think that I was wrong to leave Grissom?"

"If you actually _left _him, then yeah, but this is a short break to get your shit together. So, no I don't think you were wrong. _However_," Jim heard the soft chuckle run along the line as he made his concerns obvious. "I do expect you to keep in daily contact with a certain entomologist that will be walking on pins and needles until you come home. I don't know if I can handle him being all moody and grumpy."

"I'm afraid that when I hear his voice I'll want to take the first flight back home." Sara confessed with a stifled sob. "There's so much that I need to do and I don't want to feel like I'm counting on communication with him to get me through this."

"There's nothing wrong with leaning on someone else, especially your husband, Sara." Brass encouraged softly.

"I promise you that I'll call him at least once a week, Jim, but I can't hear his voice right now. It's too hard for me and I seriously don't know if I can accomplish what I need to if I'm calling him every time things get rough." She took his silence as disapproval and felt another tug at her conscious. "That's why I need you to check on him for me and make sure that Bruno is eating."

"I'll make sure Grissom eats, but I can't make any guarantees about a dog." Brass chuckled as he thought back to the first day he'd met the mutt. It was before Grissom had outed his relationship with Sara and he'd literally run into them in a park as they had been playing frisbee with the Boxer. He'd first seen Grissom as he tossed the disc through the air and it landed near his feet as his friend had stared at him with a shocked expression that still made Brass laugh. Before he could bend to pick up the disc a large dog had galloped over his feet and grabbed it up in his teeth and bounced away taking the frisbee to a tall brunette who also stood staring in his direction with a stunned look. It took him a few minutes to process the situation and then a wide grin had spread over his face and he walked slowly towards the exposed couple and asked with all the innocence he could muster. "_Imagine running into you two here. What's going on?" _

If two people could look any more guilty then he didn't know how it was possible. He'd given them his word that their secret was safe with him as long as they invited him to dinner to fill him in on the details. Grissom had arched that brow, but Sara, she'd exchanged a grin with him and invited him to come over that evening.

**Las Vegas, November 2007**

Once he'd disconnected with Sara, Brass took a quick shot of whiskey and left his modest home to drive over to see Grissom who he was certain would be absolutely thrilled to see him. He took the bottle of wihiskey along with him for support.

The irritation that spread through Grissom was transformed to anticipation when Brass made the announcement that he'd been directed by Sara to check on him.

"She phoned you, Jim? She's in San Francisco?"

Holding up the bottle of whiskey Brass lifted his chin in the direction of the kitchen as Grissom stepped back and followed him over to the cabinets where he retrieved two small glasses. It was certainly not his first visit to the Grissom home.

"Sara is worried about you," said Brass while handing him one of the half filled glasses. "She is safely at her destination and was simply too hesitant to call you at this point because she misses you so much."

Shaking his head, Grissom put the glass on the counter and leaned both hands on the hard smooth surface. "She _misses_ me too much to speak to me? What kind of nonsense is that?" Grissom felt the first stirrings of anger in his gut and glared over the counter at Brass who was rolling his eyes.

"That wasn't the way I should have stated it. I'm no good at this middle man stuff, Gil, you should know that." Taking another sip of his whiskey he met Grissom's gaze with a stern one of his own. "She loves you and misses you. She told me that she would call you as soon as she can."

This wasn't what he needed to hear although he was grateful that she was safely in San Francisco and had at least spoken to somebody. He didn't want to sound so insecure when he spoke, but he couldn't help it.

"She assured me that she didn't leave me and I told her that I understand. I do understand, Jim." Grissom thought his own words sounded rather hollow and wondered if Jim would buy what he was selling. He wasn't.

"Bullshit. You want to fix this for her and I wish that she'd let you but you can't and she can't. Sara needs to face whatever these deep issues are on her own so that she can come home and go forward with you."

"You reading psychology books now Jim?" Grissom picked up the glass of whiskey and took a deep swallow. He had no intentions of turning to alcohol, but for this time only it did help dull this pain.

"Call me Dr. Jim and we can have a therapy session anytime you want." Brass spied the water and food dishes on the floor. "Where's the mutt?"

"Bruno is in the bedroom and he's not a mutt, he's a Boxer."

Grissom was about to launch into the exact breed of Boxer when Brass held up the hand that held his drink and cut him off. "I know, Gil, no lectures." Rolling his eyes he pressed on. "Sara is worried that he isn't eating."

"He isn't, but it has only been a day. When he gets hungry enough then I expect him to eat something." Grissom kept the concern from his voice and asked briskly. "And who is making sure that Sara is eating?"

"I suppose that would be Sara." Brass settled into the chair opposite the sofa and studied his friend. " You okay, Gil?"

"I don't have much choice do I _Doctor_ Jim?" Grissom asked, his eyes focused on the liquid as he tilted the glass to the left and then the right and watched it ebb and flow.

"That's the funny thing about life." Brass waved one hand in front of himself and smiled. "Everything we do is a choice and how you respond to this situation is no different." Brass crinkled his nose and shook his head. "What do you think? Do I sound like you?"

"You should stick with the one liners, Jim." Grissom's retort was softly spoken and he leaned back on the sofa and closed his eyes tightly. Jim was right, though, and they both knew it. He could withdraw into himself and become angry with Sara or he could support her and whatever decision she chose. "I miss her already."

**San Francisco, 2007**

Sara paused outside of the apartment complex that boasted a swimming pool, gym and community center. Crumpling the piece of paper in her hand she bit her bottom lip while squinting at the numbers displayed on the side of the buildings. She was searching for building 204, apartment A-72. She probably should have called first and let him know that she wanted to see him. No, that wasn't right, she _needed _to see him. It had not been difficult to track him through AFIS. She'd followed him for years and knew that he'd spent five years in prison for armed robbery when he was twenty years old. He was released at twenty five where he then drifted around the country until settling back in San Francisco at thirty two. She had no idea what he'd done in those years or what he was doing now, but she had his address.

Stephen was a stranger in her life and if she were honest with herself then he always had been. Stranger or not he was family and the only blood relative that she had left aside from their mother who she had no idea of where or how to locate. CODIS had provided no clues and she could find no records of Laura Sidle after she'd left prison nine years ago.

Taking a deep breath Sara took deliberate steps towards the building that held her past and hopefully some resolution to her present.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Twice As Much Tomorrow**

By: Manigault

**Note: Thank you to everyone who is reading this and especially for any and all comments!**

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**San Francisco, 2007**

"Who is it?"

The childs voice echoing through the closed door sent another wave of uncertainty down Sara's spine.

"Sara. Sara Sidle."_ And who are you? Maybe I have the wrong address_. Sara hadn't given it a seconds thought that her brother would have married or that he'd have children. She realized with a shock that she had been very naive to think that he would be alone like herself.

"Sidle?" The door opened revealing a young auburn haired girl with big brown eyes and a spattering of freckles. "Sara? My aunt?" The wide grin that spread over the childs face was like a balm in Sara's heart. Not only did Stephen have a child but he'd told that child about her, his sister.

"May I come in?" Sara hesitated as she looked past the child and into the apartment.

The girl stepped back and held the door open so that she could step inside the room. "My names Sarah with an h." The girl picked several books off the sofa and stacked them on the coffee table. "Everyone calls me Jo, though, for my middle name, Jocelyn."

Unnerved by the fact that not only did Stephen have a daughter but he'd named said child after herself, Sara felt her legs give way as she sank onto the sofa at a complete loss for words.

"Why did it take you so long to find us?" asked Jo as she setlled on the sofa next to Sara and tilted her head in question.

Jane Austen. The stack of books on the table included the entire collection of Jane Austen novels. Unsure how to answer a question without knowing why herself, Sara changed the subject. "How old are you Jo?"

"Eleven. How did you find us?" Jo was persistant as she leaned forward and caught her aunts eyes.

"I'm an investigator for the Las Vegas crime lab. I did some research and decided that it was past time that I find Stephen." Sara's eyes flickered over the child who was quick to catch on.

"You didn't know about me." Jo processed this information and smiled again, revealing a space between her front teeth that was so familiar to Sara that she had to smile back.

"No, I didn't. In fact, I haven't spoken to your dad in ages. Where is he?" Sara looked around the room and took in the sparse decorations with interest. It was very basic, this home, and offered nothing in the way of decorations.

"He's not home," Jo replied with a nonchalant shrug as she followed Sara's interest in the room. "My dad isn't into decorating, but you should check out my room. It rocks." Jumping from the sofa Jo reached for Sara's hand and tugged her along the hallway to a room on the right. Opening the door with a flourish, Jo stepped back and announced with flair. "Welcome to my humble abode."

Jo's room was anything but humble. The walls were painted a bright purple with murals of castles on one wall and mountains and wild flowers on another. A canopy bed was draped with a bright pink and purple bedspread. Fluffy pillows were spread around the room. It was shocking in its bright intensity. "Wow. Your dad painted those murals?"

"Nope. My grandmom did those with my help." Jo proudly led Sara over to a bookshelf that held hundreds of books from many genres. Sara was impressed.

"You've read all of these books?"

Jo nodded. "There are some that I've read several times."

Sara's attention drifted backwards to something Jo had said seconds earlier about her grandmom. "So, is your mom or grandmom here?"

"My grandmom is taking a nap, but she should be up soon and making dinner." Jo pulled a book off a shelf and handed it to Sara.

Looking at the title, Sara made a connection. "Your mom left you?"

"My dad met her in New York and they had a fling." Jo shrugged as if it were old news. "After I was born she told my dad that she didn't want kids and didn't want him either so he took me and we came to California."

"But her mom came with you?" Sara found it so sad that the child could state these facts with such ease and marveled that her brother had raised this child by himself.

Jo shook her head. "I never met those grandparents."

"Jo? Darling, are you talking to yourself again?" The voice floated down the hallway and sent alarm bells spinning in Sara's brain. It couldn't be. It couldn't be. This was too much for her take in right now. She was supposed to touch base with her brother and begin that process of coming to terms with the past. She didn't want to face the woman behind many of those fears from her past.

"I'm in here with Aunt Sara." Jo frowned at the paleness that had swept her new found aunt and quickly moved to her side and touched her arm. "Are you okay?"

She couldn't talk. She wondered how she remembered to breathe. Grissom. She wanted to hear his voice and have him assure her that life was going to be okay. Somehow she found her legs and pushed past the startled woman standing frozen in the doorway. Sara barely glanced at the womans face as she ran into the hallway, through the den and out the front door. She had to get away. Needed to escape.

Fumbling for her keys Sara heard her cell phone ringing as she tried desperately to fit the key into the lock. Once inside the car she glanced at the display and saw that it was Grissom. How did he know she needed to hear his voice?

Salt water fell on her hands as she stared at his name and listened to the persistent ringing. Why didn't she answer it? She wanted to talk to him, didn't she? Punching the button she found her voice and whispered a hoarse _Gil_.

**Las Vegas, 2007**

Grissom told himself that he wouldn't bug her and would simply wait for her to phone him. That resolve quickly faded as one after another his team tried to take his mind off her by various methods that he was finding more and more annoying. They meant well, but he couldn't take the innuendos. She would be coming home to him and he would be waiting for her when she did.

He wasn't even aware of hitting the number one on his phone and listening to it ring until he heard her tortured whisper on the other line. Startled out of his daydream he didn't speak at first as he stared at the phone in his hand with a transfixed expression that dissolved into concern.

"Sara? Sweetheart? What's wrong?"

It took a few minutes but Sara finally was able to get her story out and ended it with a question. "What do I do now?"

_Come home_, Grissom thought silently, only he held back saying it out loud. Rubbing his eyes as he pressed the phone tightly against his ear he searched for the right words to say that would give Sara some peace of mind and help her make the right decision.

"_Now_ you compose yourself and decide when you want to meet your brother as well as your mother. It's the reason you went back there, Sara, and maybe it's the first step in resolving this internal struggle that you've been fighting. Help you bury the ghosts once and for all."

"I don't want to see her yet," said Sara as she turned the key in the ignition and started the rental car. Without giving it much thought she found herself heading towards the ocean and a beach that she loved in another lifetime. "I had it all planned out, you know? I would talk to Stephen and we would hash it out, discuss everything and make up. I wasn't expecting to meet _her_."

"Jo or Laura?" Grissom had learned several years ago to clarify any questions he had to avoid miscommunications.

"Well, both I guess but really by_ her _I meant Laura." Sara wanted Grissom next to her so that she could bask in his warmth and the safety of his presence. Why did she feel like this was something she had to do on her own? Wasn't the fact that she had survived thirty odd years practically on her own been enough? Pulling into a public parking spot she considered putting the car in reverse and pulling back out onto the road that would take her to the airport and home to Grissom. "I miss you, Gil."

"I miss you too, honey." Grissom could hear the lonliness in her voice and wanted to do like he'd done for the past two years and simply wrap her in his arms and hold her against his chest.

"I should come home." Sara sniffed as she closed the car door and faced the path that led to the beach. "I can catch a plane tonight."

Grissom felt his heart rate increase with her words and he wanted to tell her that he'd have the ticket bought and waiting at the counter for her as soon as she could get to the airport. Reason intervened with his own desires as he said the hardest words he could have ever uttered. "You need to stay and work out your issues with the past, honey. When you are truly ready to come home then I'll buy your ticket or even drive out there to get you."

Sara was surprised by the relief that washed over her with his words. She thought of the letter that she'd written to him and his subsequent phone call pleading with her to stay. It was funny how time and situations could alter your own firm desires. "Thanks, Gil." Still holding the phone and not wanting to break their connection Sara slid her shoes off her feet and described the view as she walked towards the waters edge.

Picking up on her need to change the subject Grissom leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes as he imagined that he was beside her on the soft sand. They spent the next hour talking about everything and nothing. Sara finally asked another question that had been weighing on her mind. "How's Bruno? Is he eating?"

"I took him to a dog psychiatrist and he agrees that he should work out his depression with therapy." Grissom didn't want to tell her that Bruno had only gone outside to pee and then wanted to return to the house to pout.

Sara chuckled lightly as she dug her toes into the sand. "Bruno and I have more in common than I thought." Sobering as images of her moping dog entered her mind, she asked again, "Is he eating?"

He didn't want the mood of the past hour broken by telling her the truth but what choice did he have? Grissom sighed. "Not yet, but he will eat when he gets hungry enough."

"Call me when you get home, okay? Call me and let me talk to him."

"Sara."

"I'm serious. If he hears my voice then maybe he'll decide to eat."

Deciding that any excuse to hear her voice himself was worth the effort, Grissom agreed to phone her later on when he was home.

"I love you, Gil and thank you again for listening to me and encouraging me to stay." Sara still didn't want to let him off the line and by the tone of his voice he didn't want to go either, but he was at work. "Tell everyone that I said hi, okay?"

"Okay. I'll call you later, honey, and I love you."

Sara clutched the phone in her hands as she stared out at the ocean and tried to come to some decisions about what her next move would be.

**Las Vegas, 2007**

"Hey boss?" Nick leaned around the corner of the door and studied the contemplative man who was staring at his phone like it was about to jump up and slap him. His heart went out to him as he imagined that Grissom was waiting for Sara to call.

Startled out of his reverie by Nicks voice, Grissom spun around in his chair and glowered over towards the CSI. "What is it, Nick?"

"We have a weird bug thing we want you to check out." Nick hoped it was weird. It looked strange enough to him that he thought it would catch Grissom's attention.

"Is it case related?" asked Grissom as he stood and pocketed his phone.

"Not exactly," Nick admitted. He winced as Grissom arched his eyebrows.

"What exactly is it then?"

"That's what we're hoping you could tell us. Archie found it in the break room and it scared him."

Shaking his head and knowing that it was another attempt to distract him Grissom decided that he'd play along with them for awhile. He'd wait until the end of shift and then casually let them know that Sara said hi.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Twice As Much Tomorrow**

By: Manigault

Thanks to everyone reading this story! Thank you so much to those who have reviewed. Trust me, each review is appreciated and keeps me going in more ways than one. Thank you especially to Amanda Hawthorne, Peggiegg, bbandgsr,Chelles,toothchick,mossirgligrD,gsr4ever,My Kate, Hope06,4NZic,Lori, Grissomlover07,dirtylabrat and CSIGeekFan! I hope that I didn't forget anyone!

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**San Francisco, November 2007**

It was late when Sara found herself standing in front of apartment A-72 for the second time that evening. She steeled herself for the confrontation before quickly rapping on the door and waiting anxiously to see who would open it.

Within seconds she was face to face with Stephen Sidle who looked neither surprised to see her nor pleased. With a look over his shoulder he turned back towards her and stepped out into the hallway as he shut the door firmly behind himself.

"Come with me, Sara." With those words he brushed past her and walked briskly along the hallway, not bothering to check if she was following.

Perplexed and somewhat relieved that she wouldn't have to face Laura Sidle, Sara trailed after Stephen who led her to the community center. Once inside he led her to a side room that offered privacy so they could speak without interruption. Neither spoke for several seconds as they regarded each other and tried to size the other up to some degree.

To Sara her brother had not aged as well as she would have thought. He was still handsome, tall and dark headed with deep brown eyes, but the lines on his face suggested years of hardship. He watched her studying him and relaxed slightly, his eyes softening along the corners.

"Jo likes you. That kid has done nothing but talk about you and ask questions that I can't answer since you left." Stephen took a second for that to sink in before he continued. "She doesn't understand why you left like you did or why you haven't been part of our lives. She loves her grandmom, Sara, and I don't want that to change."

Sara processed what he was telling her and could understand that he wouldn't want to upset Jo. She respected that and didn't want to rock the boat. "Jo seems to be a good kid. You've done a nice job raising her, Stephen."

"Thank you," Stephen chewed on his bottom lip as he debated what he should say next. "I've tracked you for years, Sara, and I knew that you were okay. I know that you graduated from college and that you became a crime scene investigator. You've done well for yourself."

"You never tried to contact me." Sara was not expecting this confession from Stephen and wasn't sure how it made her feel. If he'd followed her then why hadn't he tried to talk with her at some point?

"We could turn that question on yourself. Why didn't you contact me?"

"I feel like we're at a stand off since neither one of us did anything for years." Sara walked over to a chair and gripped the back as she placed it between herself and her brother in an unconscious method of protection. "I wasn't ready so I suppose your weren't either? Maybe you're still not ready?"

"It's not that, Sara, I've been ready for years but you haven't." Stephen recognized the defensive posture she'd taken and tried to swallow past the lump that formed in his throat. "I figured that one day you would seek me out if you wanted to and that right should be yours and only yours. I certainly didn't deserve it. I still don't."

Frowning, Sara shook her head and asked him to explain what he meant by that statement. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I didn't protect you or our mother. I didn't even try to be close to you or keep up with you when you were taken away." Stephen felt his eyes well up with tears and he fought back the emotions. He wasn't going to get all sentimental on Sara.

"You found Laura and she lives with you?" Sara couldn't bring herself to refer to Laura Sidle as anything other than her name.

"Not exactly," Stephen paused before taking the plunge. "She found me when she got out of prison. Jo was a baby and she showed up at my door at a perfect time. I hadn't kept in touch with her over the years so I was completely at a loss as to what to feel. She's been wonderful though, Sara, and a perfect grandmom to Jo."

"She found you?" Sara shook with anger at the fact that Laura had found her brother and ignored looking for her over the years. Once, when she was in foster care, she'd written to Laura who had replied back in a short note that was to the point.

_Please don't contact me again. Live your life and let me live mine. _

That was it. She hadn't even tried to contact her since reading that note that she still carried with her in her billfold. She'd been an investigator in Vegas for years before she'd worked up the nerve to look up the facts from the case that had haunted her for years. She'd tried to locate Laura at that point and found no information other than the fact that she'd been released several years prior to her research.

"She feels so guilty about everything, Sara." Stephen hadn't known Sara well as a child but he remembered her stubborness. "The problem is that it's history and she doesn't want to talk about it. It's the past."

"It's engrained in me, Stephen." She kept her voice level as she spoke, but the anger twined around her words. "Everytime I investigate a domestic case I see _her_. When I see an abusive husband I see _him_. Every single time I see an abused child I see them both. Every single time." Spinning away from him her eyes locked with the eys of a woman she hadn't seen since she was a child. She hadn't even been aware of the door opening or the woman that entered.

Laura Sidle studied her with a pensive expression mixed with something Sara couldn't identify. Fear? Guilt? Compassion? A mixture of all of these and other emotions that were unnamed.

"I was a different person back then, Sara. I've changed over the last twenty years and for the better I hope." Laura didn't make a move towards her but she did try to meet her eyes. "I was an alcoholic, Sara and mentally beaten down by that bastard."

"That bastard was my dad." Sara spat out without any intention of sounding so hostile.

"When he wasn't high or drunk then he was a doting dad to you. Do you remember?" Laura's voice wasn't malicious but Sara heard the challenge in her question.

Squeezing her eyes shut tightly she tried to recall any happy memories of her dad and couldn't. She remembered a case one time when Catherine had asked her if her dad had called her pretty and smart. She'd said that he had without thinking about it, only it wasn't the truth. The only positive memories that she had of John Sidle were of his drunken rages and hurtful insults.

"No." She had to admit this even as she had some odd memories come pouring into her of Laura Sidle pushing her behind her back and taking the punches from her husband in order to protect her daughter.

Ringing spilled into the room, cutting through the tense silence. Jumping slightly, Sara pulled the phone out and answered it reflexively.

"Sara?" Grissom's voice spilled over the phone and released her from the painful memories that had a hold on her.

"Gil, I'm here." Sara barely recognized her own voice as she attempted to regain her composure.

"Is everything okay?"

She could hear the worry in his tone as he asked her this question and she almost laughed, but stopped herself knowing it would come out sounding insane.

"I'm talking with Stephen," Sara hesitated and then said quickly. "And Laura. I'm okay, though, Gil. How is Bruno?"

She could almost imagine the wheels spinning in his mind and the thought gave her some comfort. "He's doing fine, honey. Why don't you call me back when you return to the hotel and then we can talk about anything you want."

"I'll do that, but first let me speak to Bruno." Sara felt the curious eyes boring into her and suddenly felt self conscious as she excused herself from the room. Standing in the foyer of the community center she spoke softly to their Boxer and encouraged him that he needed to eat his yummy dinner. It took a few minutes of prompting before Grissom was back on the line and happily letting her know that it had worked. Bruno was slowly eating his dinner, but he was eating.

"That's good," Sara said with relief. "I'll give you a few hours to sleep and then call you later on?"

"I don't need to sleep a few hours so I want you to call me whenever you want to call me. Promise?"

"I promise, Gil."

"I love you."

Sara marveled at the change in Grissom since her kidnapping and near extinction in the desert. If he was alone he would always tell her that he loved her and if there was someone else around it would be an I'll see you when I see you. That was Grissom speak for I love you, she'd learned very quickly.

"I"ll see you when I see you." Sara said as Stephen peered around the doorway, probably checking to see if she'd taken off.

When she reenterd the room she felt strangely calm and energized.

**Las Vegas, 2007**

Grissom watched as Bruno picked at his food but ate a substantial amount to satisfy him. "Good job, pal." Grissom was too psyched to sleep and too wound up to eat anything so he paced the house and thought about his life with Sara.

It was good that she was meeting both Stephen and Laura Sidle so quickly. The sooner she could resolve or at least attempt to resolve her issues with them the sooner she could return home. It didn't occur to him that she would want to take more time to get to know her long lost family once she'd faced the nightmare she'd endured as a child and the participants in that nightmare.

Grissom picked up a picture of Sara and Bruno that he'd taken at the park one day last summer. She was laughing up at him as Bruno licked her face and he teased her about being jealous of the affectionate Boxer. It was the same day that Brass had discovered them playing frisbee with Bruno and had agreed to have dinner with them in exchange for keeping their secret. Grissom touched the picture and felt so much love for this woman who'd snuck into his heart nine years ago as she peppered him with intelligent questions at that seminar.

He wondered if she realized that everything that had happened to her in her past had in due course made her the strong perfect woman that he'd fallen in love with. He'd be sure to remind her of that again when she called him in a few hours. With that in mind he stepped into the shower and washed away the days stress, or as much as he figuritively could.

Not wanting to stay inside any longer than necessary and unable to sleep he decided to drive to his and Sara's favorite restaurant. He'd bring back something for Bruno and hope that by the time he returned Sara would call to offer encouragement to their dog to eat what he'd brought him.

**San Francisco, 2007 **

They had returned to Stephen's apartment on his suggestion that they not leave Jo by herself for too long. To everyone's surprise and Jo's delight, Sara had agreed to return with them to the apartment. Nothing more had been said since they had left the community center but the tension was noticably less than it had been on entering the building. Sara didn't need to be reminded that Jo wasn't aware of the tragic history that her family had survived and she wasn't going to be the person to inform her of the facts.

"The cake is ready to frost." Jo announced as they entered the room. She held a spatuala with chocolate frosting coating it and wore that contagious smile that Sara found so endearing. "You want to help me Aunt Sara?"

Aunt Sara. The title sounded so odd to her own ears but it rolled off the child like she uttered it every day. "I suppose that I could." She glanced over at Stephen who gave her an encouraging smile.

"Our discussions can wait until Jo goes to bed." Stephen put his arm around Laura's shoulders and hugged her lightly to him in a move that caused Sara to look away as she felt a tug of loss assault her senses.

"What time do you go to bed?" Sara asked the little girl as she picked up the can of icing and held it out towards the child so that she could dip the spatula back inside for another batch of the sweet gooey mess.

"Whenever I fall asleep." Jo replied with a mischievous grin. "There isn't any school tommorrow so my dad let's me stay up as long as I like. We usually play cards until I beat them both and they cave."

"You're a card shark, huh?" Sara felt so easy with this child the banter was natural for her as they joked about Vegas and the fact that she could win so much money if she was only older.

"Do you like living in Vegas, Aunt Sara?" Jo swiped the last of the icing on the cake and started to lick the spatual clean as Sara grimaced.

"It took some getting used to but it's home." Sara smiled wistfully at the chocolate cake as a memory of Greg's last birthday popped into her mind. She and Grissom had baked a cake for him and decorated it with hundreds of colorful sprinkles that he loved so much.

"You have a boyfriend there?" asked Jo, finishing with the spatuala and placing it in the sink as her dad admonished her nosiness.

With a little nod of her head Sara replied matter of factly. "No. No boyfriend, but my husband is Gil Grissom."

"You're married?" Jo jumped and down in excitement. "Do you have kids?"

"No, but we have a dog named Bruno that behaves just as much like a kid." Sara knew that Stephen and Laura were listening intently to the conversation and shrugged.

"Do you want kids someday?" Jo was a persistent child, but this time her dad didn't try to stop her from asking questions. The child could openly ask the questions that the adults wanted to know but felt strange about asking.

Sara's smile faltered and she looked at the small trusting face who waited for an answer to what should be a simple question. Yes, no, maybe. It should be simple and was for most people, but for herself the answer had bounced around like a slow game of chess. Ten years ago it was a flat out no. Five years ago it was a yes. One year ago it was a maybe and a week ago another no. She didn't want to bring a child into this harsh world where a child could plot and murder without moral compass.

It surprised her that the answer wasn't on the tip of her tongue as Jo asked the question. "We haven't talked about it, Jo. Gil and I haven't been married that long."

Jo processed her response and nodded as she picked up the cake and carried it to the table. "How long have you dated him?"

"You certainly are a nosy child tonight, Jo Jo." Laura teased the child lightly as she helped her granddaughter place the cake on the table.

"I'm always nosy because I like to know what's what." Jo replied with a little shrug as she returned to the kitchen for the cake knife.

Sara nervously pulled out a chair and slid into it as she avoided looking directly at Laura or Stephen who were already seated. "We dated for two years but I've known him for nine. Is that enough information?" Sara grinned as the child returned to the table with the cake knife and several paper plates.

"It's a start." Jo replied as she sliced the first piece of cake and handed it to Sara. "You get the first piece since you're our guest."

"Thank you," Sara stole a look over the table where Laura was watching her with an unfathomable expression. Holding her gaze Sara arched one brow and asked a silent question. Laura looked away and studied the slice of cake that Jo had placed in front of her as she made an offhand comment about missing utensils.

"Oh! Forks. I'll get them, hold on." Jo retrieved four plastic forks and passed them out. Sara made no comment about the use of paper plates and plastic utensils. She and Grissom always used real plates and utensils, prefering them over paper products whenever possible.

"So, what do you do for a living Stephen if you don't mind me asking?" Sara took a small piece of her cake and bit into it as she fought to swallow over the tightness in her throat. All of this was almost too much for her to endure.

"It's only fair after you've been asked twenty questions by nosy Jo here." Stephen grinned at his daughter who stuck her tongue out at him in return. "I'm a mechanic and work two different jobs to make ends meet." He blushed slightly and spared a glance over at her as he added with a slightly defensive tone. "It's honest work."

"Absolutely." Sara pretended not to pick up on his defensiveness and decided to focus on the bright spot in the room. "What grade are you in Jo?"

"I should be in the tenth but my dad refuses to let me jump any grades so I'm stuck in the sixth grade." Jo picked the icing off the cake and licked it off her fork. "My dad feels that I'm too young to be subjected to those older kids. I don't agree, but it gives me more time to read so I'm okay with it."

Another brillant child, Sara mused. It appeared that she was destined to interact with intelligent kids whether she wanted to or not. She pushed the image of Hannah from her mind and had to remind herself that all smart kids were not killers in disguise. Jo seemed perfectly harmless. Uneasy with the direction of her thoughts, Sara had the unexpected thought that if she and Grissom ever did have a child then she hoped the kid was average. That thought made her laugh internally as she couldn't imagine any offspring of Grissom's being average.

Looking up she caught Laura's eyes and refused to look away when the older woman smiled with a tentativeness that touched Sara to the core. When Laura looked away she continued to study the woman she'd not seen in over two decades. She was tall and slender, her face lined with years of strife but still unable to alter the beauty beneath the wrinkles. She was stronger than the woman that Sara remembered and appeared, on the surface, to be content if not nervous being confronted with her long lost daughter.

"What's your husband look like?" Jo asked, continuing to eat the icing off the cake as Sara wondered why she even bothered with the cake at all.

"Oh, he's very handsome." An image of Grissom swam before her eyes and the corners of her lips curved slightly. "His hair is dark but peppered with gray and he keeps it short because it curls. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and a dimple in his chin." Sara felt a blush moving up her neck as she realized that she was giving more of a description than a child wanted.

"Is he romantic?" asked Jo, leaning on her elbows as she implored Sara to continue.

With a short laugh, Sara nodded. "He can be on occasion."

"Jo reads so many books I'm afraid that she romantizes everything." Stephen gestured towards the stack of books on the coffee table. "Jane Austen. She's just like you were, Sara, always reading."

"Nothing wrong with that," Sara said without rancor. "In fact, Gil is comparable to Darcy." She smiled as the girls face lit up with delight.

"He's stoic, but romantic." Jo launched into a commentary on Pride and Prejudice and Sara fueled her enthusiam by asking questions. The whole evening was completely surreal to Sara as they moved from the table to a game of monopoly. Laura had excused herself and retired for the evening after assuring Sara that they would talk soon. Sara had watched her leave the room and curiously felt a strange sense of empathy for someone who was little more than a stranger in her eyes. She had spent so many years pushing back memories that she wondered now what reality truly had been for a young Sara Sidle and certainly for Laura Sidle.

"Time for bed, kiddo." Stephen scooped up the pieces to the monopoly game as his daughter protested with a small pout that was offset with a quick grin as she leaned eagerly towards Sara.

"You'll come back tomorrow?"

She didn't know why that question made her feel so curiously happy, but it did and she nodded without giving it much thought. "If that's okay with your dad."

"No question about it." Stephen took her elbow in his hand and smiled gently. "You can stay longer if you want, Sara, so that we can talk. I won't be long tucking Jo into bed. She's rather self sufficient."

She knew that they needed to talk, but she felt that she'd reached her limit for the evening. After thanking them for the cake she assured him that they would speak tomorrow and quickly excused herself to process her emotions.

**Vegas, November 2007**

"Bruno!" Grissom called for his dog as entered the house and saw no sign of the Boxer. After tossing a take out box on the counter, he went in search of the forlorn dog. "Where are you pal?" A depressed dog was not something he felt comfortable coping with and he wondered for the hundredth time if he should take Bruno on a forced outing to the park. Would a change of scenery make him feel any less sad? Walking through the den Grissom kept calling out gently to the Boxer as he listened for any sign of where he'd gone.

After exhausting the downstairs he moved to the upstairs, studiously avoiding the bedroom until it was the only place left to check. A low growl came from the direction of the closet, Sara's closet. Pushing the door open he found the boxer chewing on a pair of Sara's running shoes, his eyes turning guilty as Grissom bent and took the torn shoes from the dogs mouth. Bruno hadn't chewed up anything except his toys since Sara had brought him home as a puppy and Grissom wondered if this could possibly be some regression on his part.

"If I didn't know better I would say that you're angry with Sara for leaving you, pal." Grissom turned the shoes over in his hands and mulled over the possibility of his dog taking out his anger on Sara's favorite pair of running shoes. The same shoes that she'd worn to take Bruno for runs and long walks. "We need to get you out of the house. Come on, pal."

Grissom waited for Bruno to scramble out of the closet before closing the door and tossing the shoes on top of the bed. He whistled for Bruno to follow him out of the bedroom and back downstairs and found himself relieved when the moping dog stayed close on his heels. He entered the kitchen as his cell phone began to ring and he pulled it out of his pocket hoping it was the only voice he yearned to hear right now.

"Sara." He breathed the name out softly and waited for her speak. She asked after Bruno and he decided not to inform her of the dogs latest antics, instead he held the phone out for her to speak to the suddenly alert dog who began barking into the receiver with sudden energy. Holding the phone back to his ear he caught the concern in Sara's voice as she made a comment about him sounding pissed.

"He misses you, honey, that's all." Grissom watched as Bruno stopped barking and disappeared into the den. He was astonished by the dogs whole attitude regarding the missing Sara.

"He's upset. Are you getting him out?" Sara felt guilty asking him this since she was the one who took off for another state leaving him to handle a lonely dog.

"I was planning on taking him for a walk when you called. Are you okay?" Grissom pulled a glass out of the cabinet as he spoke, his hands trembling as he set it on the counter and left it empty as he left the kitchen and walked into the den, the take out box forgotten.

Sara launched into the evenings events, feeling so much more stable as she discussed everything with the one man who accepted her completely and would give her his undivided attention.

After kicking off his shoes Grissom settled on the sofa, propping the phone up next to his ear as he closed his eyes and listened with rapt attention to the cadence of Sara's voice. She sounded good. No fear or trembling in her voice as she told him about the evening spent with her the Sidle's.

"I could fly out there to see you this weekend," Grissom offered as she finished her recounting of events and told him she was curled up in bed and needing to hear his voice.

"Not yet, Gil, but soon? Right now I'm still fumbling my way through these feelings and fear that it could still take a turn for the worse." Sara's voice drifted off and Grissom could hear the hint of fear creeping back in as she quickly changed the subject. "So, what are you wearing?"

Pushing aside his own fears, Grissom heard himself chuckling slightly. "Clothes, dear, layers and layers."

It was an old joke between them, at least over the past two years, and one that never grew old as for as Grissom was concerned. It was a touch of normalcy in an otherwise very tepid world. He would play along with Sara's current needs and take it day by day until he could stay away from her no longer. What Sara didn't know was that he already had an open ended ticket that he felt rather positive he would one day use.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Twice As Much Tomorrow**

By: Manigault

Note: Thank you to all who are taking the time to read this story! Thanks millions to those clicking that little button and leaving a comment. It keeps me going.

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**San Francisco, November 2007**

"Breakfast?"

Sara cradled her cell phone and listened to her brother on the other end of the line as he invited her to breakfast before his shift began. She'd given him her cell phone number the previous evening but was still taken aback that he'd gotten in touch with her so quickly.

"That sounds nice," said Sara with a nervous smile as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and ran her free hand through her sleep tossled curls. "What time do you want to meet me?"

"I could pick you up in twenty minutes? There's a pancake house close by to your motel where we could have a bit of privacy." Stephen cleared his throat as he spoke and Sara wondered if this would be a conversation about their past or a conversation where Stephen politely asked her to leave San Francisco before Jo discovered the ugly skeletons in her families closet.

"That's fine. I'm in room two ten if you want to meet me here." Sara dragged herself over to the bathroom where she twisted the hot and cold knobs full blast. She could be ready in ten minutes. Pushing aside the desire to climb back into bed and curl up and sleep everything away, a new side of herself she wasn't familiar with, Sara stripped off her night clothes and stepped into the shower.

**Las Vegas, November 2007**

He couldn't sleep. Thoughts of Sara crashed around inside his mind each time he shut his eyes and he quickly found the only way he could keep these thoughts at bay was by staying extremely busy and working doubles. He was very aware that the entire lab was discussing his situation and the rumor mill was running rampant with speculation. He'd been called to inspect every insect that could be found inside the lab from cockroaches to a variety of beetles.

Brass caught him in the hallway peppering him with questions, Nick awkwardly invited him to breakfast, Catherine attempted to give friendly advice, unwarranted as it was nothing he hadn't considered many times himself. Hodges. The man drove him crazy with his unwanted comments about Sara and a side of their lives he knew next to nothing about, but still, he was a distraction and that was his goal-finding distractions.

Playing Hodges board game he wondered what Sara would have to say about all of this and looked forward to sharing it with her and hearing her reaction the next time they spoke.

**San Francisco, November 2007**

They had privacy as the waitress greeted Stephen with a friendly smile and proceeded to seat them in a very secluded corner of the small diner. With one eyebrow arched, Sara motioned towards the waitress and then to her brother who gave a slight shrug along with a tight smile.

"We've been out a few times. Nice girl, but no interest in being tied down to a ready made family so we agreed to be friends and leave it at that." Stephen didn't bother to open his menu as his waitress friend brought him a thermos of hot coffee and two mugs.

"You spoke to her about me?" Sara held on to the small talk as a means of avoiding the issues at hand. She accepted the cup of coffee that Stephen poured for her and carefully added cream and sugar as she waited for his response.

"She knows that you're my sister and we haven't seen one another in years." Stephen took his own coffee straight and he took a quick sip before putting the shaking cup back on the table. "We need to clear the air, Sara, don't we?"

"I have questions that I need answers to Stephen, so please, if you're asking me to stay away from Jo I'll agree, but don't ask me to go back to Vegas without burying these ghosts that surround me."

"I'm not asking you to stay away from Jo, Sara, far from it!" Stephen leaned forward his hands reaching out eagerly for her own. "You're good for my daughter and I love that the two of you have clicked. At least that's how it appeared to me last night."

Pulling away from his grasp, Sara slid her hands to the edge of the table and curled her fingers around the well worn ends. She wasn't expecting this from him. She had been positive that he'd want her to back away from the life he'd built and keep his emotional sister at arms length.

"I'd like to spend more time with her," said Sara with a surprised laugh at her own admission. "I promise that I won't speak of the past with her, not as it pertains to Laura or you."

"She's a rather bright kid so I don't expect the impossible from you, Sara." With a tight smile he added with a short admission. "She's been suspicious of my life growing up for several years because it's something that I don't speak of and something that Laura dismisses with a shrug. We both realize that it's only a matter of time before she discovers the truth and we've been discussing the idea of trying to explain everything to her before the shit hits the fan and she somehow finds out the truth for herself."

"I'd like to be present for that explanation, because the fact is that I don't fully comphrehend what happened myself."

"Thus your chasing of the ghosts?" Stephen asked, his voice showing no censure, only curiousity. "When you say that you wish to bury your ghosts does that include me? Because, if you plan to return to Vegas and forget all about us then maybe it would be best if you didn't get Jo's hopes up by making her feel like she's discovered her long lost aunt."

Sara processed his words and slowly nodded. It was something she could appreciate and knew that he deserved an honest answer. "I can't promise that when I leave here I'll return, but I do promise that I'll keep in touch with Jo as long as she wants. Does she have a computer?" Sara didn't remember seeing one at his apartment and didn't recall Jo mentioning one.

"No, we don't have one because Jo can use the one at school or the community center when she needs to research anything." Stephen tapped his fingers on the table top and looked away from Sara as his friend approached to take their order.

"I'll have the whole grain pancakes, please." Sara picked her coffee cup back up and took another sip while holding it between both hands.

"I'll take the usual, Randie, thanks." With a glance at his watch Stephen fianlly brought his gaze back to meet Sara's.

"Everything changes," said Sara with a brief smile that didn't reach her eyes. "I don't even remember where I heard that phrase but it's not always true is it? I mean, every night there is someone beaten, someone murdered, some child left without her parents because someone killed them. Every night in every city. That doesn't change, does it?"

Stephen wondered if she even saw him as she was talking and he wondered for not the first time if she had chosen the right career path. "Maybe it's time for you to leave your career as an investigator, Sara. You can find something that doesn't remind you of the worst of life every day and gives you the lighter side that also exists. That doesn't change either, you know? There is so much beauty in the world, in each and every city."

Narrowing her eyes on his face Sara grimaced and brought her arms in towards her body in a protective gesture. "When I first became a CSI I thought that I could make a difference. I could jump into the middle of a domestic abuse case and stop the inevitable from happening, but I couldn't. It took me a long time to accept that I was trying to change the past, alter something that had happened to me when I was a kid."

"Sara, don't."

"Don't what? You weren't there, Stephen, you weren't there but I was and I tried to stop them from fighting. I tried to stop her from killing him and I couldn't because I was there but I wasn't there, not really."

With a glance around the room Stephen didn't know what he should do or if he should do or say anything. He hadn't been there when the Sidle household had finally imploded leaving his dysfunctional family in disrepair. He'd been out with his friends. Out with a girlfriend that he had never seen again after that night. When he'd arrived at his house it was lit up with lights from police cars and ambulances. His heart was in his throat as he made his way through the crowd of neighbors and emergency personnel and up the walkway towards the house not knowing what he would find or if anyone would be left. His eye had caught movement in one of the police cars and he'd stopped and turned to come face to face with Laura Sidle who was looking right through him, no acknowledgement on her face. He took a step towards her and was stopped by a hand on his elbow and then a gruff voice asking him who he was and if he knew the Sidles.

_He had considered lying. He thought of shaking his head and running back into the crowd and vanishing. Instead he said with a shaking voice that he was Stephen Sidle. "What happened? Is my dad okay? My sister?" He turned around to find the police car with his mom in it had left and so he spun back towards the officer who then wore a look of pity._

_"I'm sorry but there's no easy way of saying this," The man frowned and plowed forward. "It appears that your mom stabbed your dad. He's gone."_

_"He ran away?" Stephen was having a hard time grasping what this officer was saying to him. "Sara? Is she okay?"_

_"Sara is your sister?" At his nod the officer confirmed that the young girl was alive. "Your dad didn't make it, Stephen."_

_Air rushed out of him with those words and he had sunk to the ground. His family hadn't been anything to brag about, but it was his family._

_"Where is Sara? Was she hurt?" Stephen knew that his voice sounded funny, sort of far away and not his own._

_"She's being checked over in one of the ambulances. She had a few minor cuts, nothing major."_

_He'd allowed the officer to help him to his feet and lead him over to one of the ambulances where his sister sat huddled in a big blanket, her face a mask of disbelief. They hadn't spoken and she gave no inkling that she knew he was there or for that matter that she cared if he was there._

_When the ambulance drove away with her in it he hadn't tried to go with her or even track her down later on. That was the last time he'd seen her face to face until yesterday. Shame had kept him from finding her and making amends for letting her down all those years ago. He should have climbed into that ambulance and wrapped his arms around her, reassured her that he was there for her no matter what happened to them._

The clatter of a plate on the table top brought him back to the present and he realized that he'd not taken his eyes from Sara's face as he'd relived that nightmare of a night.

"I'm sorry, Sara, that I wasn't there for you."

Pushing her own plate away, Sara lowered her eyes and shook her head. "I need to go back to that house."

"That's not a good idea."

"Why not?" Sara hadn't realized that she wanted to return to her childhood home until the second the words came out of her mouth. Now she was certain that she was going back there whether Stephen went with her or not.

"It's probably not a good idea to relive that day, and besides, the house is most likely not there anymore." Stephen glanced at his watch again and frowned. "I need to be at work in less than twenty minutes. Sara, don't go there okay?"

"I can't promise you that."

They stared at one another as each knew that it was inevitable that Sara would follow her desire to return to the crime scene that had forever altered the direction of her life.

"If you give me a second then I'll call my boss and ask him if I can come in a few hours late." Stephen pushed away from the table and walked over to the counter where he asked Randi if he could borrow a phone.

Sara watched him walk away and made a quick decision. Stephen hadn't been there the day she witnessed the murder of her dad and she wasn't convinced that his being there now would help her with the mental battle she was pushing to make sense of. Throwing a twenty on the table she made a quick exit and didn't look back. This was her battle and one that she'd come her to face on her own.

**Las Vegas, November 2007**

"Gil? You have a second?"

Grissom registered the question with a quirk of his eyebrow, but he nodded at Catherine as she stepped inside his office and shut the door behind her with a soft click.

"I have a confession to make to you and probably one that you won't appreciate." Catherine eased into a chair and stared across the desk. "In fact, you'll be pissed and I'm certain that Sara won't like it either."

"What is it Catherine?"

"I did some checking up on Sara to see if there was anything that I could do help." Catherine held his gaze as she noted his uneasy shift. "I had no idea that Sara was in foster care and the reason she was in the system. You knew?"

"Of course," Grissom pulled his glasses off and placed them carefully on the desk. "If Sara wanted you to know about her past then she would have told you, Catherine, so I hope that you'll respect her enough to let it go. Don't say anything to the guys and don't try to get in touch with her yourself."

"If she had told me..." Catherine's voice trailed off as she recalled all of the times that she and Sara had argued over various cases involving abuse.

"You would have been more understanding of her reactions to abuse cases? Would you have made excuses for her or insisted that she not even handle such cases?" Grissom tried to suppress his irritation but it seeped through in his voice and posture. "Sara only wants to be treated as an equal, no kid gloves, no pity. She may have been frustrated with you at times, but she respected the confrontations." Grissom wasn't sure he could explain this to Catherine in a way that made sense and so he made an excuse and quickly left his office.

**San Francisco, November 2007**

Tomales Bay. The only time she'd been back here since childhood was in her mind. Following the directions she'd written on the hotel notepad she found the street where she'd spent her earliest years and within seconds pulled up outside of the house where she'd lived with her parents and Stephen. It was unrecognizable. In her memories the paint was peeling and the yard didn't have grass enough to mow.

Climbing out of her car Sara studied this house with a tilt of her head and tried to reconcile it with her memory. This house was loved. It was painted a soft yellow and boasted bright flowers in the window sills. The lawn was beautiful with its soft green grass. A pair of bicycles were propped against the side of the house while an orange striped cat stretched out in front of the steps that led up to a door that bore a sign that read 'Welcome'.

The only thing familiar was the large oak tree that stood in the front yard. The tire swing was gone, but the branch that had held it showed some wear as Sara stood beneath it looking up as her thoughts traveled back in time.

_"Swing me higher!" Sara laughed with delight as Stephen gave the tire a huge push and she floated up towards the branches_.

"Who are you?"

Jarred out of the past, Sara looked into the wide eyes of a little boy who wore a backwards baseball cap and worn out overalls. He made her think of Huckleberry Finn and the thought was warming to her as she tried to explain why she was here.

"My name's Sara and I lived here when I was about your age." Sara smiled at the child who was inspecting her with a curious look.

"I've lived here since I was a baby," the boy told her with a sudden grin. "You want to come inside and meet my mom?"

'No', Sara thought to herself, but aloud she said quietly. "Maybe your mom could come to the door and I could speak with her for a second?"

Sara was running a hand over the tiger striped cat when she heard the front door swing back open and a polite voice was directed her way. "You have a new best friend. Max will want to leave with you I'm sure."

"Max is a very friendly cat," Sara stood and smiled back at the woman who held the front door open in invitation. "My son tells me that you lived here when you were a child."

"I lived here for thirteen years," Sara admitted as she took a tentative step inside the house. As she looked around the hallway she marvelled at the changes that had altered the whole make up of the house she'd known. "It doesn't resemble the home I knew and I keep asking myself if I'm in the right house."

"I haven't introduced myself," The woman held out a hand and smiled as Sara shook it. "I'm Lori Watson and this is one of my sons, Robert. I have another son that is on a Home Depot trip with my husband. You know how men are about Home Depot."

Sara wanted to disagree as she thought of Grissom and his aversion to any type of shopping, but she held her tongue and smiled. "Your home is beautiful. Have you lived here a long time?"

"My husband and I bought it twelve years ago when I was expecting Robert. It was falling apart and we basically had to do a major over haul, but it was worth every penny." Lori showed her around the house and Sara admired the renovations while silently trying to piece together the memories of her childhood with what was now reality. When they reached the kitchen, she felt the first ripple of shock as she hesitated in the doorway and took in the small kitchen. This was the only room that reminded her of her past and ironically was the one room where her most tragic memory was played out.

Lori offered her a glass of water and frowned as she realized Sara wasn't paying attention. She noted the paleness that had swept over the woman and quickly urged her to take a seat at the small table. She recalled the condition of the house when she and Martin had bought it years ago and wondered if that was similiar to how it had looked when this woman was a child. If so, she couldn't imagine what that would have been like. She glanced around her kitchen and wondered what Sara saw when she walked into the room. The cabinets were the same ones that had been here twelve years ago, only refurbished. The whole set up of the kitchen was the same as when they had bought it as both she and Martin had liked the quaintness.

"You have new floors," Sara said with a wave towards the wooden flooring. "It's nice."

"We had to replace the floor because of a stain..." Lori's voice trailed off and she at Sara with alarm. Martin had insisted that it was a blood stain and she had laughingly told him that it couldn't be and that he was reading too many crime novels. She had asked the realtor about it and the agent had assured her that it wasn't blood. Wanting to believe her she'd happily accepted what the agent told them and they had proceeded to have the floor completely redone. Taking a chair opposite Sara, she sent Robert to his room to play his video games while she tried to decide what she should do.

"It was a long time ago," Sara swallowed over the lump in her throat and turned blurry eyes towards the woman who had been so nice as to invite her inside her home. She should warn her that it wasn't smart to be so open and friendly in this day and age, but then she recalled that most violence was a result of someone on the inside going crazy. "I should be going. I'm not sure what I thought that I'd accomplish by coming here like this."

"Wait." Lorie was no psychiatrist, but she recognized someone in need of a kind word and she was a good listener. "What happened here when you were a child?"

Sara shook her head and said softly, "You don't want to know what happened. I don't want to put any dark clouds over your house so it's best if I just leave."

"It's too late for that," Lori smiled and gently prodded. "Please tell me what happened here, Sara, because one way or another I'll have to research and find out."

Sara wiped at her eyes and was surprised to find herself opening up to this stranger. "My dad was not the nicest man on the planet and he would beat us, especially my mom, whenever he drank and he drank all the time." Sara's eyes drifted to a point on the wall and her mind drifted back to that day as she recalled the events leading up to her own private crime scene.

_"Sara! Will you put that book down and come help me bake these cupcakes for you to take to school tomorrow!" Laura Sidle turned the oven to pre-bake before taking inventory of the baking items on the counter. _

_With a happy sigh, Sara placed a bookmark inside her book and tossed it onto the bed. It wasn't rare that she helped Laura in the kitchen, but it was rare that they were going to make cupcakes for her to take to school. In fact, it would be the first time that she'd taken anything for the school bake sale and she was excited. _

_"There you are," said Laura as Sara sprinted into the kitchen. "Grab a measuring cup and give me a hand." _

_The first batch of cupcakes were cooling on the counter when they heard a familiar truck engine roaring into the front yard. Laura dropped the spoon she was holding and it clattered to the floor as batter splashed onto the counters and over their bare feet. He wasn't supposed to be home for hours. It was his night to play cards with his pals and he usually didn't return until the next day, leaving them time to breathe. _

_"Why is he home?" Sara grumbled as she continued stirring the chocolate frosting and hoped that he had simply forgotten something and would soon be gone. Seconds later he appeared in the doorway reeking of alcholol and sporting a bruised cheek and bloody nose. His temper was raring to go and he was focused on his wife and daughter. _

_"What is this? Cupcakes?" John stepped into the kitchen and directly on the spoon which flipped over and sprayed batter into the air to land on his nose. Sara giggled, she couldn't stop herself and was rewarded with a backward slap across the face. "Shut up you little shit! You think that's funny? Do you?" _

_"John, stop." Laura opened the refrigerator to grab a beer and hand it to him, hoping that he would take it and go back out. She never got a chance to hand him the beer as he shoved her against the counter and she dropped the bottle as beer spread over the floor, mixing with the batter. _

_"I'm sorry, dad, I'm sorry. Please leave her alone." Sara tried to step between her parents and felt something sharp tear through her right foot. Without crying out she focused instead on the horrible rage that her dad was focusing in her direction and the thought that she had caused this by laughing at him. He was out of control as he spewed ugly words at her and called her a worthless little shit. She should have been a boy and everything would have been okay. That's one of the things that she remembered him yelling as he looked at the counter and grabbed the first object he could find, a butcher knife. _

Sara gasped as this memory came clawing its way back into her conscious. John had grabbed the knife with the intention of coming after her and scaring her? Cutting her? She would never know what his intention was because he was stopped by Laura Sidle who had grabbed another butcher knife and waved it in front of his face with a verbal threat to back away from Sara. The next few minutes were a blur as John hurled more insults and raised the knife to bring it down on Laura who lost her self control and brought her knife straight forward into his chest. Blood spurted everywhere, mixing with the beer and the cupcake batter and leaving a lasting impression on the horror struck girl who felt responsible for the whole incident.

"If only I hadn't laughed at him. I should have offered him a cupcake with icing on it and everything would have been okay." Sara felt the trail of tears and swiped at them with the back of her hand.

Lori felt her own emotions building up as she pulled a tissue from a box and handed it to Sara with a kind word. "It wasn't your fault, Sara. You were a little girl and he was a grown man, your dad nonetheless. There isn't anything you did to cause what happened."

Sara heard her reassuring words, but they didn't register as she saw the bloody scene that day and heard her dads words over and over again. "If I'd been a boy then he would have been happy. He wouldn't have gone out drinking that night or maybe any other night."

"I don't know you and I certainly didn't know your dad, but I'm positive that he was the same man before you were conceived that he was after you were born. You should ask your mom about that." Lori wanted to reach out to this stranger who had revealed such a tragic event from her life that had happened right here in her kitchen. She glanced around the room to make sure Robert wasn't within earshot and then she scooted her chair forward and reached out to touch Sara's hand. "Listen, Sara, please? Look at my life for a second, okay? I have a wonderful husband and two almost perfect sons who are my life. I have a nice house and I don't have to work outside the home because my husband provides for us and goes out of his way to make certain we are happy."

"This is supposed to make me feel better?" Sara actually smiled slightly as she blew her nose and tried to push back the shame her confession had caused.

"I'm saying this because it wasn't always good for me." Lori took a deep breath and lowered her voice lest it travel down the hallway to Roberts ears. "When I was ten years old my mom remarried. My stepdad appeared to be the perfect husband and dad in public, but behind closed doors it was another story. He would beat my mom and both my twin sister and myself." Lori braced herself and continued in a sad tone. "For two years he molested both me and my sister without anyone else knowing. He threatened to hurt our mom if we told her or anyone else and had no reason to doubt that he would. We had each other, though, and finally decided we would tell our mom who didn't want to believe us. She had to when she walked in on him with my sister Robin and then she went balistic. She could have killed him then I'm sure of it, but after she knocked him out with a frying pan she took me and my sister and we ran. I don't know what happened to that man, but I know that my mom still lives in fear of him and worries that he will find her someday."

"Why are you telling me about this?" asked Sara, her voice cracking from the emotions of the past hour.

"Because I survived and came out a better person for it. For years I thought that it was my fault that my stepdad would do something so horrendous, but with time I realized that he was a bad man, no excuses."

"And your sister? How is she?"

Lori gave her a wide geniune smile and said with love. "Robin is a child psychologist in New York City. She's married, has five children and loves every second of life."

"Your husband knows everything about your past?"

"Absolutely. For years I was afraid to trust a man, but then I met Martin and he has proved time and again that there are good men in this world. Now it's my job and his to make sure that two more good men are sent into society."

Sara nodded and felt for the first time that one of her ghosts could be buried. She touched the ring on her finger and smiled as an image of Grissom swam before her eyes. Looking back at Lori, Sara gave her a warm smile. "Perhaps you should also be a psychologist."

"Everyday that I live and breathe." Lori grinned and her smile grew wider as she heard a car pull up outside. "Martin and Sean are home. You should stay for dinner I'd love for you to join us."

"Thank you, but I should be going. I appreciate everything, Lori and I'm glad that it's all worked out so well for you."

"Come, meet my other two men before you leave." Lori walked with Sara to the front door where she introduced her husband and younger son. After declining Martins invitation to dinner, Sara made for her car with Lori walking beside her.

"Remember, Sara, we're survivors. Do you have a pen and paper? Can I give you my email address?" Taking the pen and paper Sara handed her she scribbled her name, number, and email address and handed it back to Sara. "It was nice meeting you, Sara."

It wasn't until Sara reached her hotel that she looked at the scrap of paper and saw a message that Lori had scribbled beneath her name.

_When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. -Franklin D. Roosevelt_

TBC


End file.
